Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
