i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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