so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
