she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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