Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
