the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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