Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
