You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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