I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
