I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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