apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize