Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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