Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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