I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
