I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
