i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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