I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
