Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
