Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
