woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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