I can text with my tongue
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
