mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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