i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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