Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
