tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
