My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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