I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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