her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
