i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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