The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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