yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Sorry about my life...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
