somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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