Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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