I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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