he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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