im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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