It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
