I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
