i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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