my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
