dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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