Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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