between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
