you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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