Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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