I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize