her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You pole danced in your parka.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
