dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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