you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
