somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize