I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
