oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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