Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
