Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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