Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I love having hate sex.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
