Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
