I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think a kid would responsible me up
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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