I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
