Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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