The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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