The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
